Dummies guide to the stages of sunburn

After having spent the last few days sun burnt ENTIRELY due to my own fault, I feel supremely qualified to expound upon it...

Stage 1 : 'Ooo... What a sunny day. Warm isn't it?' Unless you're flitting from car to air conditioned mall, sunblock might be a reasonable consideration here.
Skin colour : No change, possibly an attractive flush.

Stage 2 : 'Gosh, it's really hot out. Kinda feel prickly...' Even most morons (except me, obviously) would actually, seriously be considering pulling out the SPF 30 here.
Skin colour : Reddening, but nothing too alarming.

Stage 3 : 'Ow, the skin's really starting to hurt. Golly it's fierce out.' Pretty obvious it's get under cover time. But noooo, I was still chasing the kids (who were actually blocked and covered) trying to get some cutesy photos. The sarong about my shoulders was really too little too late.
Skin colour : Boiled lobster.

Stage 4 : 'DON'T TOUCH ME!!! NO hugs please...!' This is generally after you've got in from the sun and are trying to have that post sun shower. Fun and games, fun and games... I had to shower with kiddo's baby bath (my bath gel had exfoliating bits in it. NOT HAPPENING!) and alternate warm and cold water. The burns couldn't tolerate warm water and the normal bits couldn't take cold water. Picture this, hop to the side, turn on cold for burned bits while keeping normal bits away from stream of water. Another little shimmy, turn on a bit of heat, trying to avoid water splashing on the burnt bits. My burnt bits were as follows : face, forearms, upper thighs along bikini line (but only the sides. How??), back (a 2 inch strip between my tank and bikini, and the upper back between the tie and back of the tank), shoulders, back of my left knee (Huh??). Now imagine having to do the above little dance while avoiding all burned/ normal bits...
Skin colour : Over-boiled lobster.

Stage 5 : 'Yuck, starting to flake. Itchy... Hmmm, wonder if I can help it along...' DON'T DO IT!!!! Don't try to help the flaking along. I'm a compulsive fiddler, so I picked at my peeling nose. It got painful and very, VERY red...
Skin colour : Go home Rudolph, I'm leading the sleigh tonight... But if you DON'T pick, then you can be the 'snow' covered tree in the yard.

Stage 6 : 'Ewww, Mummy, you look like a molting snake!! Am I going to look like that too??' Flaking everywhere. Skin very dry, fault lines appear if you even move the skin... More itchy... Incidentally, not a good time to commit a crime. Too much trace evidence, they'd get you just by sweeping the floor...
Skin colour : Patchwork. If you can imagine very poorly sewn shapes that are fraying at the edges.

Stage 7 : When the flaking is over, if you're lucky, you have a uniform tan. IF.
Skin colour : Golden brown if you're lucky. Muddy brown if you're not...

So there you go, sunburns according to me. The whole process usually lasts about a week-ish. I'm hoping that by writing this down I will now, NOT EVER, forget the sunblock. I hope. Really. I will actually post on our Sambolo holiday after our move tomorrow (Yay!) and once I stop flaking all over the keyboard.